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UFO: Keeping the Human Gnome off Mars

Last night I was studying: http://www.msss.com/moc_gallery/r22_s04/mc03.html because Mars is getting very close to earth and many amateur astronomers are out in their backyards taking pictures.

I misplaced my camera so it was no use getting my telescope off the shelf in the garage. I decided I could take a close look at the planet by looking at the photos on the site above.

Looking at my selections from the Mars Global Surveyor Mars Orbiter Camera Image Gallery, I chose MOC Narrow Angle Image Gallery: Mars Chart 03: Arcadia.

The reason was that I detected a colony of some kind on Mars! I didn’t know if it was a human colony or not, so I decided to zoom in closer. I still couldn’t tell. That’s when Xrytspet from Fanton appeared at G10009845788899990766.

Xrytspet said, “I see it’s the gallery set up by the Mars Chart, the 1:5,000,000 series of maps produced by the US Geological Survey.”

I said, “You can read, Xrytspet!”

She wiggled her ears and said, “What are you so puffed up about?”

“Scrum, Xrytspet!”

He sat on my lap. “We have some work for you.”

I said, “You’re going to get off my lap. My wife is in the other room knitting Christmas stockings 30, 31, 32 for our new triplets and 33 for our new great-granddaughter. She could come here any minute.”

“Not likely this decade,” Xrytspet said.

“What do you want?” I said.

“Your presence in that colony you discovered on Mars.”

“I won’t go to Mars, Xrytspet. It’s a hostile place unfit for humans. Giant sandstorms–“

“Oh, don’t be such a fuss! It could be fun!”

I said, “Looks like your idea of ​​fun and mine aren’t the same. Giving me that Phendroop from the Phendroop distributor in the desert was not my idea of ​​fun!”

“I didn’t force it on you, did I?

“No, but you could tell me it was a space enema in pill form.”

“Although it was funny, hearing all that rumbling in your gut and then watching you fly off into the desert to find a spot where . . .”

(For those who missed it, go to the article UFO: How I met Xrytspet.)

I said, “That’s enough, Xrytspet!”

He hugged me and said, “The Fnl7 Time Craft. it’s on the lawn. Let’s go!”

I said, “You go goose hunting. I’m staying here.”

Of course with Xrytspet you have no choice in such matters. On the way she told me that she had been assigned to be Chair from Keeping the Human Gnome out of the Mars Committee.

I said “And you’re taking me to Mars!”

“It’s a risk,” he said. “But if we don’t show the Martians what you look like and smell like, they won’t know that the Human Gnome must be kept off Mars and out of space.”

I said, “The reason we humans have to stay out of space is that we mostly act like crocodiles.”

He said, “The reason you should stay out of space is that you can’t keep your runny nose from other creatures’ business. Besides, you’re loaded with disease.”

I said, “The reason we have to keep people out of space is that we’re corrupting all the space we occupy.”

He said, “The reason we have to keep your goblin out of space is because you do so much evil.”

I said, “The reason we have to keep people out of space is…”

Xrytspet said, “We’re here!”

It was a village!

We dropped into what looked like a bakery hoping for a snack after our long, short trip. There was no one there, but the ovens were still hot and there were square donuts with square holes on the counter. We ate seventeen of them and I left a five dollar bill on the counter.

Xrytspet said, “Save your money. There is no life here!”

I said, “What about hot donuts?”

He said, “You looked hungry. I decided to drop you a hint.”

I said, “If it was a hint, then why is my belly full?”

She replied, “So it wasn’t an illusion, but I have some very bad news for you and the United States of America.”

I said, “The Fnl7 Time Craft. we’ve run out of pumpkin seeds and we can’t go back to earth.”

He said, “The Fnl7 Time Craft. powered by the Xempler B29BS19444322 particle beam dual thruster. It can use wheat grains as fuel if needed.’

“So what’s the bad news other than I have to be here on Mars with you instead of Paris Hilton?”

He said, “Now you and Paris Hilton! That would be brain trust!”

I said, “I was just being cheeky.”

He said, “See that plaque over there?”

I said, “I didn’t notice until now. But I can’t read it. I only know áóìàãà, îêíî and ÷àé.”

Xrytspet translated the board for me. He said:

From January 17 to June 14, 1969 the êîñìè÷åñêèé êîñìèé êîðàáëü 17-member crew indoctrinated the inhabitants of this location into the Soviet Plan ïÿòü ãîä. One of these residents will be publicly exhibited in the huge mammal exhibit at the Moscow Zoo. The crew couldn’t wait to watch the first moon landing by the United States on July 20, 1969. They rushed home to see it.

Xrytspet said, “There could be an old Russian or two around here.”

I said, “Why?”

He said, “Well, the êîñìè÷åñêèé êîðàáëü had a crew of 15. Some àñòðîíàâòc would have to stay behind because there would be . . .”

“No room!”

This is what I said.

That’s when this shaggy old man came down the street. He had a nasty look on his face and didn’t say ïðèâåò!”.

Xrytspet said, “We don’t have room for him either!”

As we ran to Fnl7 Time Craft.I said, “ïðîùàíèå!”

End

copyright © John T. Jones, Ph.D. 2005

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