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Weird Smoking Laws

As more and more states adopt laws banning smoking in public places, dashing the hopes of cigar smokers with the ease of crushing a used cigarette, people everywhere are calling “foul,” holding back from telling lawmakers to kiss their ashes. The laws, to the avid cigar smoker, are maddeningly ridiculous.

But ridiculous laws are part of secular culture. From a law in Denver that prohibits people from lending vacuum cleaners to other residences, to a law in Wyoming that prohibits people from taking pictures of rabbits in June, many rules and regulations just don’t make sense. There’s even a law in Champaign, Illinois that makes it illegal for someone to pee in their next-door neighbor’s mouth, no doubt ruining the weekend plans of countless Midwesterners.

It was only a matter of time before this insanity of law passed the tobacco industry. Recently, they have become more visible, marking our world with a “No Smoking” sign. Not limited to any state or country, strange smoking laws can be found almost everywhere.

Australia: Australia has a law that prohibits children from buying cigars or cigarettes. This is not particularly surprising as many countries have similar regulations. However, Australia stands out because children, although they cannot buy tobacco, are legally allowed to consume it. As long as they get an adult to buy it for them, Australian kids are allowed to freely smoke a cigar in front of a police officer, a parent, a teacher or even a kangaroo.

New Orleans, Louisiana: In a city known for its guilty pleasures—home to everything from Mardi Gras to extravagant casinos—smoking cigars and cigarettes is a bit tame. New Orleans has a law that prohibits anyone participating in a carnival or parade from using tobacco products while doing so. Additionally, a “No Smoking” sign must be prominently attached to all floats in the parade, not that all the spectators, with a throng of nearby women trying to get beads, really notice.

Zion, Illinois: Just when you think you’ve heard it all about the rules, there’s a law in Zion that prohibits owners from giving a lit cigar to any of their pets. While the law specifically names dogs and cats, it certainly applies to any kind of pet: hamsters, gerbils, and goldfish. None of these pets are allowed to smoke cigars, no matter how much they beg and plead.

France: Colonel Mustard, in the Boiler Room, with an ashtray. That’s right, an ashtray. In France, ashtrays are considered lethal weapons. Perhaps this is because people can use ashtrays to hit others, or perhaps because ashtrays have been known to prey on unsuspecting victims by jumping them into alleys and blinding them with a cloud of dust. But the most likely reason is simply because it’s France. A nation renowned for passivity, some people may believe that the citizens of France are being threatened with murder by the cast of The Brandy Bunge. We hear Marcia is packing.

New Jersey: While a sign that reads “Do not feed the animals” is commonplace at many zoos, New Jersey is taking this idea a step further. With the passing of a law banning people from giving cigars or whiskey to animals at the local zoo, the creatures in this captivity are clearly not amused. But since whiskey is the only drink specifically named, one wonders if providing the animals with a cold beer would be just as repulsive. If not, maybe the animals could smoke a cigar now and then. I know, socially.

South Bend, Indiana: Keeping with the animal kingdom theme, in South Bend it is illegal to make a monkey smoke a cigarette. This law goes back to 1924 when a monkey was found guilty of the crime of smoking a cigarette and had to pay a $25 fine as well as court costs. We’re not sure what happened when the monkey, recently out of work, couldn’t come up with the money. He might have been barred from participating Any form of Evolution.

Newport, Rhode Island: Newport, located on the east coast, has a law that prohibits people from smoking pipes after sunset. Any other time is fine, but once the sun goes down, that’s a law that the avid smoker can’t put in his pipe and smoke.

Marceline, Missouri: In this Missouri town, minors are allowed to buy papers and tobacco, but not lighters. If only there was a way to get matches easily, maybe from a local restaurant or cafe. Maybe in a perfect world matchmaking would appear.

Obviously, this world contains a large number of laws founded on about as many grounds as dropping a million dollars or voluntarily staying on the Titanic. But the cigar smoker can rest assured that it is not just his luxury that falls victim to this craze. These kinds of laws are everywhere, from banning honking to saying it’s illegal to drive with a coat, these kinds of rules put the word “awful” in the word “legal”. And, they make one wonder if more laws can be passed, perhaps one that replaces every cigarette with its superior: a cigar.

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