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Altruism: Are You Taking It Too Far?

There is a theory that the meerkat, an African animal, lives in a community of its mates and practices pure altruism. Scientists who made a study of their feeding habit found that when others in the community forage or eat, one of them usually stands guard to watch them against predators. The researchers observed that such altruistic behavior is somewhat unusual in the animal kingdom. Being small in size, meerkats are prone to predation. They are preyed upon by larger animals that eat them as food. If the sentinel meerkat senses or sees an advancing predator, it alerts the others to run for safety. Whether by pure design or accident, the whistleblower is easily exposed to attack and easy prey. The other members of the group usually escape unharmed.

Human beings also practice altruism. We have heard of people who had, at some point, done selfless acts. There are many examples of people with more than enough resources donating to others who do not have enough resources. A number of extreme cases also occur when a person donates a part or organ to another person who is in dire need of it. A few bloods, kidneys, livers, to name but a few, have been and are still being donated without reward, all over the world.

More recent studies of meerkats, however, have also revealed some more interesting things about them. Scientists have discovered that meerkats that stand guard to warn others of any impending danger usually fill up before taking on this task. He would have eaten with satisfaction. Not only that, the sentinel meerkat usually stands very close to a burrow that is closer. As soon as the alarm call is made, he immediately dives into it. The truth is that the guard meerkat is the first to escape from any form of attack and danger.

Thus, whatever the intentions, most altruistic acts may not be entirely altruistic. If the animal was selfless, they would not have eaten before standing guides. Even human beings who give to others are valued and often rewarded when they receive gifts, prizes or cash for their actions. They receive praise and their self-esteem improves. Their sense of self-importance, causing their egos to inflate.

Are you taking your good deeds beyond comfortable levels? Do you please others at your expense? Is your attitude not very geared towards making peace with others when you know you are in danger? People who are very selfless often do so because they want to please other people. They are afraid of being rejected! The need to be accepted, generally and individually by each person, leads the person who wants to please everyone. He tries to be at the center of things, never taking sides. The goal is to get positive feelings about himself from people.

They feel or imagine themselves as good people who want to make humanity happy and in harmony. Whether this is possible is another controversial issue. They are the ‘Yes men’, who never want to pick fights with others. The extension of kindness to others is almost limitless. They do it at their expense.

WHAT IS WON?

There are good reasons to be nice. Altruism is, without mincing words, for the benefit of humanity. Selflessness cannot, in any case, be discounted as a waste of resources. However, what is not good is trying to please others at one’s expense. It usually begs questions about what is actually gained by the act. What does a man gain who goes out of his way to please another? The answer is often an emphatic “nothing.” For example, if you’re the classy guy who likes to help others with one academic problem or another, experience has taught us that you may end up not getting the grade that those you help get.

This is one of many possible situations. In this part of the world strange kinship stories of betrayal, neglect and outright denial abound everywhere. Interestingly, many of the tragic narratives begin with a person being generous and altruistic to siblings and relatives. At a later period, when he or his springs needed help, they usually found none.

Dare complained bitterly about the financial hardship he was facing at school to his roommate, Jide. When Jide asked him if he had any uncles and aunts he could approach for financial help, the response was heartwarming.

Dare’s father was very rich. He was very generous and benevolent. According to him, his father helped many of his relatives by sponsoring and funding their craft trainings and even university level education. His relatives would approach him anyway for money. would be willing to pay cash for weddings, naming ceremonies and any other event. Dare said that when he was young, he once asked his father why he did all this. His father responded by saying that he did all these things because he wanted his relatives to reciprocate the same deeds to his own children in the future.

Before he finished high school, his father died and to their surprise, his relatives took all of his possessions, leaving them with nothing. From that time on, his mother began to find it extremely difficult to support the family. He stated that he stopped going to his father’s relatives when he realized that none of them were ready to provide any form of support.

Could Dare’s father have been selfless? It was more obvious that he not only overdid it, but he didn’t prepare at all for all eventualities. He had let his altruism overshadow his sanity. With all his selflessness his children suffered so much that they regretted their father’s good character.

ARE YOU A HAPPIER PERSON?

It’s okay if this is a question. But you should go through this list to check yourself. You:

• Say yes, no matter the occasion, even when your mind is telling you no.

• You become overwhelmed when you feel like any person.

• Prefer to hurt than to displease any person.

• Be sorry when a misunderstanding or argument starts.

• Choose to fail to please another person.

• Follow the crowd at the expense of your personal uniqueness.

• Speak for others at your own risk.

• Lose sleep over petty disagreements.

• You feel annoyed at any disagreement with whatever you do.

• See pleasing others as an integral part of yourself.

NOW YOU CAN ESCAPE

1. STOP THIS UNWANTED FEAR: You need to understand that people pleasing is a form of phobia. Stop this phobia from within by finding, perhaps, another to replace it. Think more about the positive side of life. Do you have to please anyone and everyone?

2. REFUSAL, FOR ONCE: Have you ever thought about saying “no” to a request? Better start learning how to do it. There should be a line between saying ‘yes’ and knowing it’s ‘yes’. You should be able to identify what you want as different from what others need. Not all requests should be considered. Train yourself to say no. Stop being a “yes man”!

3. YOU CAN’T CONTROL EVERYONE: This could be a jack-of-all-trades phenomenon, but he’s a jack of all trades.” Thinking you can control everything is a paranoid mindset. You want to control what other people think about you. you. You want people. You want everyone to see you as good. You want everything! Note that not all of these are valid needs for you. They are just exaggerations. Be realistic and modest in your desires.

4. YOUR PEACE IS SAFE: You’ve put yourself on the line for so long. You’ve lost sleep over others countless times. Now he is talking about your health. This must not go on like this. If the unexpected happens, no one will take over your responsibilities. Dare’s case, above, says it all. Doing too much for others will take more emotional power from you and affect your peace of mind. Just be careful about it.

5. CHANGE YOUR ATTITUDE: There is a way out of this strange mess. Change your mindset from thanking people to actually helping them. There is an interval of difference between these two. The first is negative, but the second is very positive. When you help people, you will not expect rewards or favors. If there is any remuneration, it will not be subject to assessment which may lead to dissatisfaction. When you are ready to please, as soon as you get less than you dreamed of, it will be dangerous.

6. BE PROACTIVE: Try to make things happen by not waiting for others. Don’t let people dictate to you, to get you in their good books. In a society like ours, where “eye-service” is a tradition, getting the attention of people, especially superiors, by performing well in their presence is the norm. The downside to this is that when you are not noticed, emotional stress can build up. But doing things, improvised, can free you from unwanted feelings.

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