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For Widows Only-You Know You’re A Widow When

At the end of a good day you burst into tears for no particular reason.

At the end of a bad day you burst out laughing for no particular reason.

At the end of everyday life, you crawl into bed and sleep by His side.

You refuse to throw away His toothbrush, His razor, His soap. Why do you think he’ll need them?

The sight of His bathrobe hanging on a hook on the back of the bathroom door brings tears to your eyes, but you refuse to throw it away. Because your smell reminds you of Him. And you never want to forget the best friend you ever had.

Your life revolves around trips to the cemetery to plant tulips in the spring, marigolds in the summer, geraniums in the fall, and mistletoe in the winter. And because you promised.

You wear His wedding band wrapped through a chain around your neck, tucked neatly under your shirt.

You wear your wedding ring. Why do you still feel married?

You had a terrible horrible miserable bad day. And he’s not here to tell you everything is going to be okay.

You talk to your dog. And swear to god that stupid dog understands every word you say.

You tell everyone who asks, how are you? big lie, I’m fine. That’s because you know they don’t understand. You know they can’t. And you pray they never do.

You sit posing like a dog for animal crackers over a job application. You can’t decide which box to select — Single, Married, Divorced, Other — You honestly don’t know.

The lamp in the living room lights up. And you didn’t flip the switch. You really believe it’s a message sent from Him.

You sit in coffee shops for hours and hours scribbling on napkins. Because you can’t stand the thought of sitting at home alone.

You’re *pardon the pun* dying to get out of the house, but once you do, you long to get home. You just don’t feel safe without Him by your side.

The sight of two strangers, a man and a woman, holding hands infuriates you. Because it reminds you of the life you had with Him. The life you planned to have with Him.

You get caught in the torrential rain without an umbrella. And you honestly don’t give a damn.

Your big night out is a trip to the dumpster to dispose of the trash. And you swear to God, you discovered mournful joy. Because you’re thankful you have two hands to carry the banana peels, empty cereal boxes, and crushed Vitamin D milk cans, and two capable legs to carry you.

You’re standing over the kitchen sink eating cold pizza for breakfast.

You’re losing weight. Because you can’t eat — you miss it so much that you lose your appetite for chocolate.

You gain weight. Because you can’t stop eating — you miss it so much you think a Hostess Twinkie or an Oreo cookie will fill the void.

You note the time BD *before His death* and AD *after His death*. Because endless memories circle your brain and you need a reference point to handle your thoughts.

At the end of each day you ask yourself the magic question, how did I do it? Then pray the wonderful prayer, please God, can I do it another day? And you know in your heart, with His help, you can.

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