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Balm for a Broken Heart: Three Tips That Will Let Love In Again

Americans love cosmetics. According to MSN.com, we spend on average $7 billion a year on beauty products. We use shampoos to make our hair seem thicker, bronzer to make us look tan and creams to help us appear to be younger. However, there’s nothing on the shelf to heal a broken heart.

February can be a difficult month for people who have recently lost a love. There is help for the broken-hearted, although this balm can’t be found at the corner drugstore. If you’re working to get over a break-up, divorce or death of a spouse/partner, dip into these three jars of balm to heal your broken heart: “Recovery Work,” “Love Celebration” and “Your Sassy Self.”

Scratchy, Scruffy Step One

Any good skin care regiment begins with exfoliating, and your jar of Recovery Work contains vital exfoliation ingredients: grief, time, self-discovery and expert advice. When we scrub our face, it can feel scratchy and uncomfortable. The same is true when we slough away old emotional scars-it can hurt, but it’s necessary to prepare ourselves for the next phase in our lives.

To begin this step, we first grieve our loss. Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross identifies the five stages of grief as denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Don’t skimp during this process or minimize your grief. In her book, “Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love,” Helen Fisher maintains that our drive to love is stronger than our sex drives. When love is over, we can feel physical pain.

Coach Amelie Chance says this physical pain may be a tight chest, nervous stomach or insomnia. It’s advisable not to discount such symptoms. If they persist, talk to your medical doctor.

Acknowledge and work through the emotional stages of denial (This can’t be happening to me), anger (I am so mad at that BLANK for dumping me, I could…), bargaining (If I could be thinner/richer/prettier/more handsome, I bet I could win her/him back) and depression (I don’t feel like doing anything, I’m so busted up over this break-up). Eventually, working through these steps lead to acceptance.

While you grieve, you’re going to run across self-discovery. It can’t be helped. In fact, it should be encouraged and celebrated! Allow yourself to learn where you made mistakes so you don’t carry the same into a new relationship. Recognize the new strength you cultivated as a caregiver for your spouse/partner. Dare to dream what your life might look like without your former lover in it.

Tools such as journaling can be used to aid in a self-discovery sojourn. Prayer or meditation-even therapy or coaching-can be helpful, too.

But don’t forget about the other ingredient here: time. Experts estimate that it takes one year to recover for every five years in a relationship. It’s important to note that we shouldn’t use a time frame for a recovery from lost love. Every individual is unique and will grieve in their own way and in their time. However, use the 1-to-5 ratio as more of a guide so you understand this work shouldn’t be rushed. Similarly, if you have been stuck in one or more of the grief stages for a very long time, you may need to seek the help of a professional to help you move on.

Once you’re at acceptance, you can apply the balm from the next jar, “Love Celebration.”

Soothing Step Two

It’s often said we cannot find love if we cannot love ourselves, and there’s a lot of truth in that, Love Celebration starts with remembering the wonderful things about you and honor those qualities by setting aside time for self care. Do an activity that brings happiness. Take a relaxing bath while listening to beautiful music. Indulge in a nap or enjoy a favorite food. Honor the time you have to yourself.

Love was not created to simply share between romantic partners. While that can be one of the most joyful aspects of being human, love reaches its fullest potential when it is shared with everyone in our life, so this holiday, give of yourself and spread the love!

The unique aspect of this recovery balm is it’s meant to be shared. We are surrounded by loving people: our family and friends. Give your time and attention to family and friends so you can express how important they are in your life. Put your “to do list” aside for the day and visit the people who are important to you, or call to tell them that you love them.

Pets add so much to our lives, so why not give extra time or do something nice for your animal companion? They wait so patiently for us, giving unconditional love and acceptance whenever we are ready, and ask for so little in return.

Take time and make your pet a special treat, take them on a long walk or just snuggle on the sofa as you remember how lucky you are to have a friend like this in your life.

Extend yourself by showing love to an animal who is waiting for its forever family. If you are able, consider adopting a shelter dog or cat. Perhaps (like me) you have a full house and that’s not possible. You might volunteer some of your time at a rescue facility to walk dogs, play with kitties or just pet the animals. The afternoon you spend may help that animal become closer to finding its guardian.

Revitalizing Step Three

After you’ve done the scruffy recovery work and celebrated the love you have in your life, treat yourself to the final balm, Your Sassy Self. This revitalizing regiment will lead to renewal in your life. It works miracles, and that’s not an empty sales pitch!

Similar to the first ingredient to the jar of Love Celebration-loving yourself-Your Sassy Self goes deeper into your essence and spirit. The key ingredients to this balm are forgiveness, spiritual connections and discovery of your gifts.

First, apply forgiveness where it’s needed, whether it would be toward a person who hurt you or to yourself for any shortcomings. The healing balm of Your Sassy Self doesn’t skimp on forgiveness because without this, it’s impossible to move forward with your life.

Forgiveness also allows you to make deeper spiritual connections, When we hold grudges, the ability to seek our Creator is warped. Forgiveness tears down those walls. We were made to be connected to a Higher Power/Creator/God-however you see this deity. When we are not communicating spiritually, there’s a void in our lives that we try to fill with the wrong things, like greed, lust, power, envy-the list goes on. Seeking a greater truth and meaning in our lives is a revitalizing journey that can fulfill like none other.

Remember that we were made with a spark of divinity and a purpose. Our Creator wants us to identify and utilize talents gifted to us, which not only leads to a full life for us, but helps to make our piece of the world better. I love St. Peter’s message that everyone has at least one gift and that we are to use those to serve others. Gifts (talents) are what make you light up; these are your passions. Do you like to share knowledge or administer to the lost? Then teach! Do you feel a strong compassion for the ill? Then treat them! If you are comfortable being a leader, then manage. Apply Your Sassy Self liberally and watch the renewal happen in your life.

Recovery from a broken heart doesn’t happen overnight. There’s no magic pill. But if you are willing to do the recovery work, take the risk to love others and give of yourself, as well as seek deeper truths in a spiritual quest, your heart will not only heal, but it will overflow with grace and love. Who wouldn’t be attracted to that?

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